|The following observations, jokes or commentary do not
I, Ron Miller, found them to be interesting and created this page for
of a like mind. I hope you enjoy. If you might be offended please do
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
talk to in the first place...
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady
to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to
the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna
over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both
of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"
she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she
shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her
and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she
up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan
back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how
hind-lick maneuver always works."
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just
several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He had
been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to
board a train bound for a few days in London. The train was very
crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an
empty seat. The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well
middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary
asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman
down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are
such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that
seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but
after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again
the woman with the dog in the opposite seat. Again he asked, "Please,
Can I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose
snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also quite
Imagine!" The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and
again asked if he could please sit down. The lady said, "Not only are
Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate." The
didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and
tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
English gentleman, sitting across the aisle said, "You know, sir, you
do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding
fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the
And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but
when someone threw a gun at him?
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her
home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It
be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She
to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She
to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost. The owner
it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird
more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought
this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she
still wanted the bird. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she
it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for
it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and
said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the
but then thought "that's not so bad." A couple hours later, the
two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the
it looked at them and said, "New
house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit
at first, but than began to laugh about the situation. A couple of
later, the woman's husband, Ray, came home from work. The bird looked
him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores ..... same old faces.
Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say
'ass' and I'll say ' hell'." All excited about their plan, they
downstairs, where their mother asked them what they'd like for
"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old "gimme some Cheerios." His
backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room,
and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno,"
quivers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be
Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?
This is forwarded from a UO graduate, citing one of Dr. Schlambaugh's final test questions for his final exam of 1997. Dr. Schlambaugh of the U. of Oklahoma Chemical Engineering Dept. is known for asking questions on his finals like: "Why do airplanes fly?" In May 1997, the "Momentum, Heat, and Mass Transfer II" final exam question was: "Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?
I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it does not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.
With the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.
[A1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
[A2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa Banyan during freshman year, that, "It'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then [A2] cannot be true.....thus, Hell is exothermic.
The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.
NEW CHEMICAL ELEMENT DISCOVERED: Administratium
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered
at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named
has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0.
it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and
111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312.
312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous
exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no
administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it
every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers,
a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four
days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less
a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three
years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a
in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons
exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually
increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories
that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to
at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and
universities. It can usually be found in the
newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings. Scientists point
out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to
Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be
to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty
all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where
he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but
they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and
out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley
they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he
down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you
that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed
in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
WHY WE'RE ALL SO TIRED
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there playing on the computer.
Useful Info for Speeding Tickets
I do not know for a fact that this works so I gave it a try. Read it and try it, you have nothing to lose but the points in your license and a couple of bucks.
If you get a speeding ticket or went through a red light or whatever the case may be, and you are going to get points on your license, then there is a method to ensure that you DO NOT get any points. When you get your fine, send in the check to pay for it and if the fine is say $79, then make the check out for $82 or some small amount above the fine. The system will then have to send you back a check for the difference, but here is the trick! ---DO NOT CASH THE CHECK!! Throw it away! Points are not assessed to your license until all the financial transactions are complete. If you do not cash the check, then the transactions are not complete. However the system has gotten its money so it is happy and will not bother you any more.
As of January, 2003 it is not on my insurance.
It is now 2011 and it never posted on my insurance.
Today's technology may be different so I do not know if it will still work. Fortunately I have not received a ticket to try this again. I still have the check.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!".
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father
was a pharmacist!"
A ventriloquist who retired from show business decided to try the rural life, so he went to inspect a farm that was for sale. The farmer was taking him around, and the ventriloquist, who loved practical jokes, couldn't resist playing a little prank. As they walked through the barnyard, a cow standing by the fence suddenly spoke - or seemed to.
"Your hands are awfully cold when you milk me in the morning," the cow said. The farmer gave the cow a startled look.
Then a passing chicken complained, "I wish you'd collect the eggs sooner."
The farmer seemed a bit stricken. The ventriloquist didn't say
and they continued walking on. As they approached some sheep, the
said, "Don't believe anything these sheep say. They're terrible
An old lady goes to see her doctor for a really embarrassing
"Doc, I have a strange problem. I pass gas all day long but it doesn't
smell or make noise, in fact I've passed gas at least three times since
you've been here!" "Humm, well, take this pill three times a day for a
week, then come back and see me." The next week the lady was back and
was she mad!! "Doc, the pill didn't help at all!! I still pass gas but
now it smells horrible!!!" "Well, now that we cleared up your sinuses,
we need to work on your hearing."
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