The following observations, jokes or commentary do not represent replacementlightbulbs.com. I, Ron Miller, found them to be interesting and created this page for those of a like mind. I hope you enjoy. If you might be offended please do not read further.

Thanks.


Ouch!

U.S. CHURCH BULLETINS BLOOPERS

15 Actual Announcements Taken From U.S. Church Bulletins:

Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of the David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. all those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church Secretary.

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The
chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road..
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Ronald Reagan: What chicken?

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Coop 2001, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However,
I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.

His And Hers ATMs

HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written
on it.
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

Jesus and Satan are arguing over who is the best computer programmer. They decide to have a contest with God as the judge. They set up two computers with God looking on. Jesus and Satan both begin typing furiously for hours writing code, etc.

All of a sudden, lightening strikes both computers and Jesus and Satan lose all power. Satan stares flabbergasted at his blank computer screen while Jesus looks calmly around. Finally, the two of them power back up their computers and Satan cries out in anguish when he realizes he has lost all his work. He turns to look at Jesus' computer screen and sees that his work has popped right back up on the screen, right where he left off. Satan turns to God and demands to know how it was that Jesus recovered everything, while all his work was lost. God regards Satan with a wry smile and simply says:

"Jesus Saves"

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married." "Why not," laughs the man.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own blanket."

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.

When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."

The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."


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